Today I weighted myself and I just reached into a low weight, my lowest weight was 90.2lbs (40.9kg) but now it’s 90.0lbs (40.8kg) and out of the BMI 16s, finally. My parents are acting like nothing happened while having the courage to ask me what’s wrong and why I look down and angry today, I am not sure if they forgot or they simply don’t want to take accountability for it. Just to not cause problems, I am just replying that I am tired which is not really the truth, I am just angry at them and feeling my mental health deteriorating. The only thing keeping me alright is my best friend of 2 year and a half, who I was in a relationship with in the past.

But anyway, let’s see if tomorrow I am finally down to 89lbs, I have no doubt I will. I haven’t ate anything at all today.

I can’t believe I lost an entire 1.8lbs (0.8kg) but I am assuming it’s because all the food I had inside is gone now, I took 2 laxatives too. I had a BPD episode and so I decided to “reward” myself with some chips but because my mom was already grumpy (like always) and replying to me quite dry, I got frustrated with her, I changed my mind and said I wouldn’t eat (because I lost my appetite). She snapped at me because for some reason my parents absolutely hate it when I lose my appetite after they yelled at me, I mean, who doesn’t lose their appetite and even the will to live when your parents don’t understand and yells at you. It just made me feel worse and I just didn’t take anything, went to sleep with my stomach growling and honestly, I guess that was beneficial for me.

I keep messing up, it’s like every time I go lower, I mess it up. I can’t keep going like this anymore. I am really angry, I am not eating today.

I ate like a normal person would, ate lunch and dinner but I guess I took quite a lot food despite I didn’t. I feel like I had a binge.

Didn't start up bad except I woke up late. I started my day with two cups of coffee + chocolate.

After immersing myself in the hell (edtwt), I felt hungry but I don't want to eat, I didn't eat, I drank ice tea instead. I can handle the hunger, I'm doing great, why mess it up now. I lost 1.4lbs from yesterday to today, I want this diet to at least take me down to high 80s by the end of the week. And at least at 85lbs by the end of the year. I just simply want to be at the low BMI 15 or high BMI 14, anything is great for me, I just don't want to be stuck at the 90s (pounds) anymore. I hope I don't feel fat when I lose more and more. I want to be happy with myself. And eat like a lot without guilt at my UGW.

Well, thanks to a edtwt thread, I could find one or two interesting wesbites. But it's barely active or just too hard to access. I want a edtwt, but without fatphobes and bigots, just like the old fashioned 2014 Tumblr era. It's a gem, it's not going to come back. I feel it's so dead now and I am here desperately finding to connect with others. I am considering to join Discord servers having to do with EDs but I am scared I get myself in the wrong places like I did last year. I saw someone who cut deeper than me and I felt kind of competitive, I wanted to cut deeper and deeper.

I tried to fast but I ate dinner, I mean, not bad bad, because I only drank two cups of “coffee” today. I don't feel too hungry today. At least I ate at 4:50PM and not late as 6PM.

I basically had my cheating day since my parents bought pizza but tomorrow, I will eat under my calorie limit but in the sense of eating little as I can, I will try to eat a simple granola at 2PM at Friday and Saturday. I am trying, the weight loss is pretty slow and I am so sure it will slow down even more due to eating 3 slices of pizza. I feel slightly guilty if I am honest, like I feel that discomfort and I don't like it. I like to eat and feel full in a comfortable way. Next week calorie limit may be a little too harsh, everything will be under 300 calories, maximum is 300 and minimum is 150.

I was doing jogging in place but my stomach was hurting.

I binged on pure ranch doritos yesterday, which I only lost 0.2lbs, not bad, it was expected. I ate dinner when I wasn't supposed to, didn't feel too guilty but I won't eat right now. It was tacos, which it's barely made so why not enjoy a little. I am anorexic but I try to enjoy life while having it, I don't want to be the anorexic who misses things because of my own eating disorder, you know? I can only restrict when there is nothing special going on. But, I can't wait to be on my UGW so I can eat more and maintain, hopefully, effortlessly.

I am just here doing my “morning” exercises (because it's 12PM), just trying to push myself to be productive. Yesterday, I didn't restrict the best but at least I lost 0.6lbs today. Second day, I think it's going great. I didn't restrict properly and I got frustrated.

ED has been difficult lately, in the way that I haven't been able to restrict properly lately, despite trying to. I feel like I am not eating the comfort foods and surviving with off Mountain Dew, which was the thing making my restriction much easier. Drinking water or juice doesn't helps me, it makes me feel much hungrier. Mom said she will be buying stuff tomorrow.

Ah, I lost 0.4lbs today. I don't know. I'm tired honestly. I have been falling asleep a lot lately and having this strange headache for no reason. Feeling a little annoyed right now. I will push myself to do more.

Today didn't start off well, nothing happened though, it was the fact that I gained weight but at least it was a 0.6lbs, which is not that much, I guess. I started my day with an Oreo ice cream and I won't eat more, as a punishment. I'm having a hard time to lose weight for some reason, it was a really fast weight loss at the beginning of the month but now it's slowed down. I hope I can be able to reach my goal next month. I just want to reach the goal and then eat whatever I want.

Today I tried to fast but I kept eating, at least I didn't binge, it was one of those little snack eating and then being too hungry that I take another snack, hopefully, I lose the weight tomorrow. At least I could control myself, I saw these Oreos and the craving got really bad. I am supposed to be fasting but I had to basically eat something this morning because my body needed it. I felt this “inflated” feeling last night in my left side of the face and it was horrible, it lasted quite a while. In a desperate attempt to fall asleep and not feel the pain, I watched ASMR but it took me a little while to fall asleep, I usually fall asleep in under 20 minutes at least. I literally woke up at 6AM and the pain and discomfort was there. But at least I could wake up at 9AM, the discomfort was there but it left when I ate something. The dizziness from not eating was going to make it worse and I didn't want to deal with that.

Well, I am exercising to burn all the calories I have eaten today.

I feel like I am getting carried away, I wish I kind had discipline. I don't know what else to write. I gained weight because yesterday it was Thanksgiving so I ate more I usually do when I started restricting. For some strange reason, I get so full but then I want to eat more food despite not being really hungry, it's craving for food and I feel like fat because of it. I am glad I didn't gain too much, I am 92.0lbs right now.

I ate pure fried rice and one granola today. I hope I don't gain weight tomorrow, I feel that emptiness that I may lose weight, but not the extreme way, like losing an entire 1lbs.

I was messing around, and I did a video of an indirect bodycheck, I just felt really good about my body, even if I was posing. I hope I can effortlessly look how I want to look soon. And hopefully I don't gain weight tomorrow because I ate spaghetti and then dad bought fried rice. I tried to eat a bowl of it but I was too hungry that I took some more. Hopefully I don't gain weight, I will be so relieved if I lose something, even if it's a 0.2lbs, just something. I want to be under 90lbs by the end of the month, I am 91lbs right now, I can't mess it up. I will try to restrict really hard on November 22, the fourth week.

I started gaining all that weight back, so I didn’t even attempt to fast because every time I try to, it’s like I fail at doing so, and even eat more than usual, I wish I could actually slam myself against the wall for not having self-control. I feel really angry, like I want to snap. I am restricting right now, because it’s the easiest way to lose weight. I only ate a granola (90 calories), drank pure Mountain Dew (I never count calories on drinks) and some chips, twice, which I won’t eat more. I hope I don’t get forced to eat because I have been asked twice if I have eaten today which it’s a possibility that I will get forced to eat something. I don’t want to eat right now. I don’t. I don’t need to eat. It’s useless, I hate how food is basically the source of my problems. I wish I could just eat without easily gaining weight, I absolutely despise this body.

I gained weight, and I have been gaining. I got so frustrated that I am attempting to fast. I don't understand why I can't even go for a day being able to fast, it should not be that hard. I literally fasted for 3 days at the start of my ED, the start. I was 90.6lbs a few days ago and I felt really euphoric, but then I started gaining it all back. I don't want live like this anymore. I ate a peanut butter granola before starting this fast, I want to make up for it. Honestly, if I could, I'd fast for days but it's genuinely hard for me, because my body is in need of food. At least I can restrict and not go over the cal limit which makes me kind of happy because I used to not be able to do that. Although, maybe it's the fact my cal limit was so low and I only can go lower as 150 calories. I can't go under that. I feel so heavy and fat. I want to reach my UGW or give up, but is it worth it restricting and then easily gaining all that weight I worked hard for? I am not going to repeat that again. Not this time.

Right now, I am jogging in place, in the morning which is good, I usually skip this one because I get lazy or I forget. But I pushed myself to do it. Maybe I should start doing these for 10 minutes, 60 calories are burnt in here. I ate granola which was 100 calories so that means I'd have 40 calories ate after this exercise. I will try to exercise as much as I can without messing up myself.

Oh well, I kept going. I added two minutes more. So, I'd be burning 72 calories. 12 more? Cool.

I just got down to 90.6lbs but the fact that I am 0.4lbs close to my lowest weight, and 0.6lbs to my second goal weight makes me really happy. I am really happy that I will still allow myself to eat what I wanted to eat, spicy Cheetos macaronis. My cal limit is 200 so eating that is not much of a big deal since it’s only 20 calories over the limit.

I have been more ⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉ lately, I have been finding myself feeling more ⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉ whenever I lose some weight. I guess it’s the fact that I feel more and more comfortable with my body that it’s easy to feel ⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉. Today I didn’t really feel that way, I felt a little fat even though I lost at least 0.2lbs. I am a little nervous to weight myself tomorrow because I want to be down at 90.2lbs, I said to myself that if I go down to that or 89lbs this week, I would allow myself to eat spicy Cheetos or go over my cal limit as a celebration for breaking the record. 90.2lbs is the lowest weight I have been but I messed it up badly and I gained all of it back. I have a feeling I won’t exactly reach to the goal by tomorrow but at the same time, I feel I’d be unexpectedly low. I am feeling really hungry, I noticed that I tend to feel really hungry and craving for food when my cal limit is 100, it’s like my body cannot handle 100 calories only. 150 is a yes and no. But I can definitely survive with 200, most comfortable cal limit.

I literally lost 2lbs today, I guess what happened yesterday was water weight because I had a sudden weight gain and I was so sure it was not the food I ate, despite eating twice a day, I usually gained as high as 0.6lbs if I eat like that. But it was a whole 1.4lbs and I even did exercises. I ate 290 calories in total today, 190 from the mini pizzas and the 100 from granola which for some reason, I felt full, like if I was eating snacks here and there even though I didn’t, I feel hungry right now, although, not as intense as yesterday.

I literally lost 2lbs today, I guess what happened yesterday was water weight because I had a sudden weight gain and I was so sure it was not the food I ate, despite eating twice a day, I usually gained as high as 0.6lbs if I eat like that. But it was a whole 1.4lbs and I even did exercises. I ate 290 calories in total today, 190 from the mini pizzas and the 100 from granola which for some reason, I felt full, like if I was eating snacks here and there even though I didn’t, I feel hungry right now, although, not as intense as yesterday.

Well, I finally got up at 9 AM, which is an hour late than what I want to wake up but something is something, I woke up somewhere at 9:20 AM. I saw I gained an entire 1.4lbs which it didn’t add it to me but maybe I weighed myself way too quick due to my dad being sick, I didn’t want to stay for that long, I didn’t want to get sick.

Ate a lot, feeling uncomfortably full so my limit will be low tomorrow, I have a high chance to binge though. But I want to feel that hunger. I need motivation, it’s leaving again.

I don’t know why I am calling it something positive when it’s my own ED. But the fact I am losing weight when I went years and years not being able to do so makes me feel really nice. I am losing a quick amount of weight with this diet I am doing right now. I started by 96lbs when I got really frustrated (on late October) and now I am down to 92.2lbs which yesterday was 92.0lbs. I officially lost 10lbs. Also, I can see my legs looking skinny, especially the bottom legs, which is really surprising and it makes me so comfortable with myself. What surprised me the most is when I could actually almost wrap my fingers around my ankle which I always had a hard time doing so. And I know I am repeating myself again but wow, my legs are looking thinner and thinner, I am already having a thigh gap when I sit, I still don’t look the best when standing but there is actually a little thigh gap in there which is a sign. Well, I was going to eat the same thing as yesterday, which was two fried eggs with bacon bits but then my mom said she will be making hot dogs in the afternoon so why not wait.

I was gaining weight these past few days but I attempted to get it together yesterday which resulted for me to go back to 93lbs. For some reason, my binge urges haven’t been that bad, I have been restricting so effortlessly and it feels really nice, although, I have been craving for candy than actual fulfilling foods for some reason, I have been wanting to mostly eat Cheetos macaronis but since my breakfast/lunch limit is 300 today (and I keep thinking is 250), then I basically did not eat it. I ate two granolas and some candy today, which that makes it about 230+ calories which is pretty little but it’s good. My mom is going to go to the Supermarket tomorrow and she will buy more food, so of course, there are more options to eat, I wonder what I will eat tomorrow, my first thought was fried egg with bacon bits. My cal limit will be 250 tomorrow so I think I can actually eat two fried eggs and add bacon bits, that’d make it 200 calories if measured correctly.

I have lost 2.8lbs in 5 days. I can’t tell if I am truly disordered or not but it’s like I want to lose a big amount of weight in a week even though almost 3lbs for my weight and height in a week is quite a lot. I have lost 1.4kg in 5 days. And I went from 17.0 to 16.5 in 3 days too. I wonder what my weight will be tomorrow. I ate 2 granolas and spaghetti which I didn’t eat it all because I was not like, liking it. I really hate feeling like I am wasting food away but it just, I can’t force it. This time, I didn’t eat it all and left it there in case someone wanted but it passed more than 8 hours and I didn’t see anyone taking it so I ended up basically throwing it to the trash.

So, starting from the morning. I ate bacon and the bakery bread as a toast, it probably passed over today’s limit but oh well. It was really good but I felt really disordered in a way because of how little I ate. I almost had a binge in my 14:00 snack but I let it go. I was planning to eat 10 popcorn because I ate a few popcorn during the 14:00 snack when I wasn’t supposed to but then mom made hamburger, she didn’t ask if I wanted but I don’t complain. Obviously, because I ate hamburger, I don’t get to eat my 18:00 snack. At least I got comfortably full and I feel kind of hungry. I am not really triggered at all but I really want to purge the food, just to get the hungry sensation but the problem is that I can get bloated.

I ate probably a lot, I ended up having a mental breakdown and I am planning to starve for days.

It’s the thought about “you don’t want it enough” because I keep eating. I feel I lose weight way faster when I am fasting or barely eating something. I didn’t eat anything big after breakfast though, but just little snacks and such. I feel pretty frustrated and also, it feels I did not shower properly. I went on for about 30 minutes doing these cardio exercises and I was literally drenched in sweat. But I guess and at least I burned 620 calories which I feel is more of a miscalculation, because I don’t know, it feels I cannot burn that much calories. Because it feels that I make so much effort to burn calories and it’s like I don’t lose much. I tend to find counting calories genuinely stupid because it’s like no matter how little I eat, I can lose a pound but if I eat a snack or something, it’s like it completely ruins it. I am supposed to be able to lose a lot from eating under 500 calories most of the time but why do I still have the chance to still gain.

I ate a lot today and I can’t really sacrifice my sleeping schedule to do exercises or else I will mess it up. So I thought I’d burn 400 calories to get it down to the 800s. I am starting to lose self-control and if I could do cardio, I would do it immediately but my body is too sensitive to intense exercises.

Thinking what to do now, I am not feeling very motivated and I keep thinking about food, I am fasting and I am 6 hours in right now. I want to exercise but I don’t know how, the motivation isn’t there, I feel it’s because I am bored of it and I want to try new things.

Had an awkward moment with my dad because he couldn’t stop looking at the screen so I went to YouTube to search videos about retro computers but when I put the search bar to find something, things about burning calories and weight loss subliminals appeared in there, I am not sure if he saw, hopefully he didn’t.

So far, I ate about 341 calories which I want to burn, at least to 400 calories. So might try to do jogging in place twice, one before showering (I honestly like those, I sweat and I feel I am actually burning calories) and one at night, then I can burn 200 calories by taking steps, which that’s supposed to be 5k which I know I can do it. So, 240 + 200 will be 440 which that will be -99. I don’t really count drink calories because I still lose a good amount of weight drinking anything.

I actually love the feeling of having an empty stomach but at the same time, the urge to eat is there and there. It’s kind of rare to eat without feeling guilty for it, I only don’t feel guilty when I eat lunch when I wake up and it’s something like Spaghetti, Ramen or Cordon Bleu because those are my favorite foods basically. I couldn’t complete the fast yesterday so I had to start all over again. I hope I can be able to fast for a week. I don’t remember when was the last time I purged, if it was yesterday or two days ago. Purging doesn’t help at all, like it won’t get all that food out nor the calories will disappear after vomiting it out, it only helps me to feel better mentally because I tried but the biggest con of it is that my stomach bloats quite bad after that which is why I don’t do it too often unless I am having those “uncomfortably full” days. I am getting really tired of staying at this weight, I am not sure if it’s my lack of discipline or my body can’t simply lose much weight anymore.

Also, I can’t believe I probably ate 1k calories today but most of those calories probably comes from the cookies I have been eating to boost energy for the last homework left, I am more surprised than triggered, mostly because I don’t feel uncomfortably full, in fact, I feel hungry right now and I want to eat something salty like chips or drink something like soda. Nothing much. Since I won’t be using my brain too much tomorrow, I will finally start the fast in peace, I have been eating more than usual to be able to concentrate. I wish myself good luck but honestly, I can’t feel the honeymoon phase. Tomorrow is Sunday, so it’s a good reset day. I will try to wake up early but I am not sure if I will be able to do since my body and brain is exhausted from all that, I tend to go for 2-3 days being all exhausted after all that stress from college, to the point I don’t do much. Honestly, I have no plans what to do during my break, maybe I should continue coding my (main) website that has been collecting digital dust for probably 2 months now. Let’s see what can I do. Inspiration hasn’t been around lately. I will walk and listen to music a little (burning some extra calories).

My day kind of got ruined when I saw a post in which he liked and I thought maybe I was going really crazy but I saw the post was posted on September 4, a day after he said he’d be back when he could so, it feels like he was ignoring me and it really triggered me. I showed it to him and I guess, like, I confronted him about it. Of course, he is offline. I don’t know, it feels like he is ignoring me. I felt sick to my stomach after seeing that, now I don’t want to eat, I want to throw up and in an anorexic way. Seriously.

I feel like all my diary entries starts with something that isn’t too positive, it’s always neutral or negative. While I am improving emotionally and dealing with things in a healthy way now, I will admit being in recovery feels so empty sometimes. Maybe that’s why I have an ED, well, I do hate my body but it’s also one of those things that I look forward to. I am not going through that honeymoon phase, I think, I have been really concentrated on my ED but not in the same way I did when I first realized I had an ED, which was 16, in late July 2021 (genuinely hate that time).

I am trying my best to keep restricting but I keep messing up and eating, it’s starting to become a vicious cycle that I can’t escape but I wonder if that means that October is coming, so I need to reset and feel motivated. It’s always the same thing. Whenever a new month comes, I am motivated and I am like “yes, let’s work harder this month” and it ends up in pure disappointment because I don’t do anything. It’s almost October, the month number 10 and it seems I haven’t really achieved much and I am really frustrated. I want to keep it cool, keep it calm, but sometimes I get desperate to reach my goals when it may take time. I don’t know what to do. I am so tired. I need to get delusional enough. I want to pretend that I am a robot going through an update in which I lose a lot of weight. I think about her too, the edtwt girl who follows me for some reason, she is so skinny, and honestly pretty, then I see myself who is not skinny and it triggers me, but in a way where I don’t push myself to do better, instead I have the urge to binge and destroy myself, going the opposite of what I want. I know I can do better but I am so tired of eating. I want to be able to not eat. I think I will eventually snap out of it, you know, stopping eating.

I want to trigger a honeymoon phase that can maybe last a month or two. I won’t stop. I won’t stop hurting myself. I won’t stop doing all this until I am at BMI 14. I need to try harder. I am tired. Maybe if I get tired the same way I did before stopping self-harming for a few months and keeping myself clean. I don’t know. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I will exercise so hard tonight. For two hours maybe. I am not sure if I will be able to burn all the calories, I seem that I burn them but not enough to lose weight. I want to hurt myself, scream and cry, then get up, “positively”.

I don’t know why am I doing this to myself.

I have been stuck in the same weight for weeks, probably a month now. I don’t want to engage in bulimic tendencies but I think I might as well start purging everything I eat until I reach my goal weight then I will stop. But I am scared that it turns into a bad habit. The reason I actually don’t want to keep going with it is because too much vomiting can mess with my teeth and my teeth are one of the things that I consider myself to be lucky to have since I have straight teeth. And it seems like my stomach bloats significantly whenever I do it, and it’s not even that much that I vomit though. I would keep going with it but who knows if my body will get so used to it that I won’t feel sick whenever I purge. I am tired, I just want to lose weight. And then gaslight myself that my body is beautiful so I don’t hate myself for it.

There is this anorexic I saw the other day, so inspiring. She would put pieces of papers with the name of the food written, inside the jar, shake it and then get a food, and she forced herself to eat it, no matter how high calorie it was, but the fact she was happy and she stayed in the same weight apparently, it was inspiring because that means that maybe, once I reach my goal weight, I can eat anything I want. I want to go down to BMI 14 and then be able to eat a big burger. I want to recover but mentally, not physically because that is not going to work.

I am trying to eat good but not too much, I tried to put on a diet where I only eat lunch at 12PM to avoid dizziness and a good snack before 3PM. After 3PM, I start fasting until next day at 12PM. It’s hard to restrict, it seems my body is having a hard time to adjust to the diets. I won’t be too harsh on myself because it doesn’t works. Instead, I will eat anything I want but with the hours put on. Even if the weight loss will be a bit slower, I think it’s the best. I will try to reach to my goal before 2024. Kind of frustrating that it’s hard for me to go down, I have been stuck at 96lbs for like a month. I only got to go down once this month and it was 94.8lbs. But well. I am feeling a bit hungry, but I won’t eat. I will drink soda instead, it helps me honestly.

Sometimes I kinda wish I could enjoy these healthy foods but I am more of a junkorexic.

I was just searching for junkorexic and I came across to OMAD, which it said that you can fast for 23 hours and then eat a big meal in an hour. I might do that once my body adjust to this diet I am doing right now. It’s similar to OMAD, just eating things inside 3 hours and then fast for 21 hours.

Everything was fine until I realized how much I ate, I feel horrible. I got so frustrated that I started crying and even attempted to make myself throw up but, I tried 3 times but it wouldn’t come up, I don’t know if it’s an unconscious thing, like I unconsciously stopped myself from doing it because I didn’t want my parents to find out or something. After I attempted to, the urge to want to eat actually left, now I am feeling the hunger kicking in, which is good but I don’t think it’s going to make the food go away.

I feel really useless, I want to be able to lose weight. The fact I created an edtwt account to motivate myself but it’s so embarrassing that I ate a lot. Now I feel so motivated to be able to do at least 10k steps tonight even if that’s impossible for me but I will make sure that happens. I heard my mom does it everyday, why can’t I.

I only ate Doritos (ranch) and Coca-Cola, it feels a lot yet so little. I hope I don't gain weight tomorrow, I tried to eat as little as I could because tomorrow is my birthday and I know for sure I will be eating a lot. Although, I will still try to eat less or fast until my birthday cake is here.

Feeling really cold but it’s actually a good thing because you burn a lot of calories, I heard.

I want to get to edtwt but it's toxic.

I messed up my spicy Mac and Cheese, but eventually, it led me to eat a much healthier and low-calorie option, but it still upsets me because of the food waste.

I baked a cake today to celebrate my second year of being at college and passing my driving exam. I can’t wait to actually drive on my own soon, although I’m a bit scared because people drive horribly sometimes. Anyway, the cake turned out bad, but my dad kept saying it looked good even though I feel he is lying just to not make me feel bad. I don’t know, it was completely destroyed.

I also had a bad binge and I am having one of those uncomfortable full stomachs which makes me feel bad. I really love feeling full in a comfortable way, I actually craved for Cordon Bleu because I guess it’d help me to feel balanced but I felt like I ate way too much so I didn’t even bother. I didn’t even eat my own cake because I felt it was way too sweet and I was already over the limit of sweetness. Also, I am getting carried away with eating and fasting, I’m not doing it properly and I am getting frustrated because I am still stuck between 96 and 97 pounds. I wanted to go down to 90lbs by the end of the month. So, tomorrow I will fast for 7 days and drink lots of water, even if it means going to use the bathroom too often but I need to lose. I feel heavy.

The honeymoon phase is probably going to come to an end, I was motivated in fasting because I got triggered by a past thought about him, so I felt like I needed to starve to be, loveable but now that I am not feeling that way anymore, it’s hard to fast when I see there is no reason. But I really want to lose weight, I just need to find good reasons and inspirations, I can’t just look at a thinspo and be like “oh, I am triggered, I will fast”, it doesn’t work. I need a strong reason.

I would go to edtwt but starting feels extremely depressing and I get so anxious because of the extreme toxicity in there, but I also feel it would help me to push me more to restrict, I will try to figure it out.

I gained 1.6lbs, but at least it was kind of slow instead of too suddenly? I am a bit frustrated that I only got to lose 3lbs to 4lbs this month, I remember being able to lose 7lbs in a month and I was pretty much still eating and doing the same diet as now, and eating a bit more. I have to take fasting more seriously.

I am feeling a bit empty but I feel a bit achievable as I am writing this. I really want to take 3.5k steps or more at night but walking alone in the kitchen, in the dark gives me so much anxiety, especially when I also hear something. I heard someone yelling about two days ago when I was walking so I had to go to my room because I couldn’t stay, it was about 00:30.

I will try to burn calories and starve myself as much as I can until tomorrow, I will drink a small amount of water so I can lose weight much faster. I ate a lot yesterday and today, I ate two pizzas, I wanted more but I kept it there + I was going to shower anyway, it was 2 PM already, I usually shower at 11AM-12PM, after washing the dishes and making my bed. I want to be at 94lbs by Monday, even if it’s high 94’s. I hope I can pass the driving license exam and I look good in the photo, I will actually eat a lot before 8 AM, so I don’t get dizzy and can concentrate better during the exam. I won’t eat anything after that unless I am offered something. I don’t want to eat anymore. I want to end this month at 90lbs, I will be so happy.

I hope from October to November I can be down at 85lbs or even lower 80lbs, a pound away from my UGW.

I took about 2.7k steps today, burned 111 calories (interesting). I feel so good for it but not too satisfied because I ate about 800 calories today. Yes, it's still low but the food was still a lot, like heavy enough, it felt like a binge.

I will try to take 800+ steps soon, to complete the highest goal that I rarely reach, 3.5k.

Decided to get it together and be able to lose weight, I am so tired of feeling bad to see myself not being able to lose weight. I really want to be harsh in terms of romanticizing my eating disorder so much that it feels like a good thing but something tells me to keep myself sane, in the way to be not so harsh on myself and be happy with every result. I want to be able to reach my goal weight (79lbs, BMI 14) and then love myself and not aim to go lower.

I said I will be doing my usual fasting but I just randomly thought “what about fasting for 3 days?”, also because I was triggered by thinking about his past actions. I felt the need to starve to show something, I don't know.

I couldn't fast entirely, but I could eat really little. I ate mini donuts that makes me comfortably full, ate a really small portion of Doritos to balance the extreme sweetness and in the afternoon I ate one single hotdog, really wanted to take another one but I stopped myself and convinced myself I was full (which well, I kinda was).

Created an account on EDSF, that was known as MyProAna. The website is really confusing if I am honest, but I will try to figure out, I just don't want to be on edtwt because it's a toxic place full of mean people that behave like middle schooler bullies. I am at edtumblr right now, thinking to make a separate Google account for it so it can be more easier and motivating to access. Logging in and out to go there or switch accounts it's just unmotivating.

Anyway, I started this month at 100.4lbs, now I am down at 97.6lbs. Although, that sudden gain weight could've been because of water retention because I lost 2lbs the next day, which is unusually a lot, I didn't restrict much compared to right now.

It's 00:05 right now, my stomach is having this sensation of wanting food in it, basically, I'm hungry. But not dizzy enough so I will be fine. It feels nice to have an empty stomach at night because you know you will lose a good amount next day. Hopefully, my restriction was good enough for a nice weight loss tomorrow. I want to be at 96lbs, I dont care if it's high, at least I want to be out of the 97s because I have been stuck between 97-99 these past few months due to not hard restriction. I am 2.6lbs away from my GW1.

Starting the month of July, great. I was able to hold my hunger back until dinner time, it was great. I am almost done with the new Carrd I created for the characters and some concepts.